Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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