I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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