Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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