All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
