Whatcha textin bout Willis?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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