Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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