I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
