I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
