So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
