If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
