my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
