im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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