I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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