yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
