hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
