tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
