My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
