I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
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