Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
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This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
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How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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