She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
