lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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