I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
