I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I just wanna be euthanized