Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
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Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
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Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?