There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there