Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
