rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I didn't notice because vodka
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Randomize
