WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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