You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
