there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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