im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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