Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
