New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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