I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
