This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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