I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
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Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
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It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
It's rum buckets o'clock
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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