Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
is wine microwaveable?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
