I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
