I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
