The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Text me some of your sweat
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
