just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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