The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
