Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
