you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
