why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
23 Times Kids Said the Harshest Things
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
21 Rich People Confess The Best And Worst Things About Being Wealthy
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?