Define "chronic" masturbator.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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