I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
