Nicole vs. Life
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing