I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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