"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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