i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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