He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
