When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize