Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
