I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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