He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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