Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
