Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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