Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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