I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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