maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
