i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
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I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
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