Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
